Hang on, it’s a bumpy ride!

So, I started a job last week, but decided it wasn’t for me, so I left halfway through Friday. I had to drive, and I felt tremendous anxiety when I had to maneuver this huge bus in reverse through what they called a “serpentine” course.  I did it ok the first time, but I just got more and more uncomfortable with each subsequent try. They said you have to do this to pass a test so they will let you drive.  It just wasn’t going to happen. I can  do fine going forward, but I can’t back the thing up without running over the cones!

I’ve had trouble with anxiety in the past, particularly with driving.  I’ve been doing pretty well lately, so I figured I’d give this a try.  Oh well, I guess you never know unless you try.  I’m just going to keep trying until I find something that fits for me.  I’m grateful that my wife is patient.

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Frustration

I’m really frustrated because I’ve been as depressed as I’ve ever been this past week despite all this medication I’ve been taking and weekly therapy.  Man, this really sucks!  I went to my Dr. and we’ve got a plan, but it feels like we just keep throwing things against the wall till something works. Meanwhile, it seems like I alternate from blah to ok, to blah, to crap, and then the cycle repeats.

Gotta keep fighting I guess.  I’m trying to keep busy.  I’ve been doing some substitute teaching.  That has been alright.  I’m just tired of sitting around.  I’ve been out of work for a couple of months, and I’m tired of being home with nothing to do.  I hope this new job goes well.  I could use a break.

It’s a para transit job.  I’m going to be driving a little bus for PACE.  I figure I’ll be out and about.  The weather is getting nice, and I think it will be good to be outside.  I’ve had a lot of anxiety about work because my mood has been all over the place.  My energy level gets so low sometimes.  I guess I’ll just have to hope the new medication plan works better so that i can at least fake it.

It will be nice to have a regular paycheck again.  This gives me hope because i believe in the dignity of work.  I mean, I would be able to amuse myself if I didn’t have to worry about money, but work can be therapeutic.

Does anyone out there have any tips about fighting through the fatigue that comes with depression?  I try to exercise and take care of myself, but lately I  haven’t had the energy to exercise as I’d like.  I’ve been trying to at least take a short walk if that’s all i can do.

Nice weather’s coming.  Hopefully it will bring positive mental states to us all.  I could use a few days in a row of feeling decent.

Form the genius of John Lennon

People say we got it made
Don’t they know we’re so afraid? Isolation
We’re afraid to be alone
Everybody got to have a home, Isolation

Just a boy and a little girl
Trying to change the whole wide world, Isolation
The world is just a little town
Everybody trying to pull us down, Isolation

I don’t expect you to understand
After you’ve caused so much pain
But then again, you’re not to blame
You’re just a human, a victim of the insane

We’re afraid of everyone
Afraid of the sun, isolation
The sun will never disappear
But the world may not have many years, Isolation

How can I be sure?

That what I am feeling is real. That someday my moods will even out enough for me to have a few great days in a row some day. That I will stop feeling like a scared little boy who is all alone in the world.  That the chaos of my upbringing is far away in the rear view mirror, and no one can hurt me any more.  The emotional pain that I still feel which lingers from so many years ago? Its’ source is old withered and better yet a thousand miles away.

That this out of body feeling I get more often than i care to admit isn’t the sign that something really bad is wrong and not from the severe anxiety that I have had since I can remember.

That my depression isn’t going to kill me someday.  The feeling gets so bad sometimes that I wish I wasn’t here.

That my child will not suffer as I have all my life with this insidious affliction.

Isolation

I’ve been isolating pretty hard these past few weeks.  The trough of depression has been dragging me down  My Psch want to put me on a fourth med.  I said no way. I’m tempted to throw this stuff in the garbage.  I can feel like crap without it.  We finally came to an agreement to drop to mood stabilizers and add another. so i will be taking two.  It’s not the number of meds.  I’d take ten a day if I benefited from it.

My therapist says that some people never get totally better, but that the highs and lows hopefully get smoothed out.  Gee thanks!  I hope that’s not true. I’ve heard  that you never know what combination will work because everyone is different.

So tonight I’m saying screw it.  I’m going out with a buddy that I’ve cancelled on twice recently.  Gonna go hear some music. I will need some Starbucks though because it will be a late night and I haven’t been up past eleven in a while. I went to bed at ten last night!

Wish me luck.

Trying to make the best of a bad situation

I have not had consistent relief from my meds. While my anxiety has been manageable for the most part, the Depression has been almost debilitating at times.  This makes me sad.  I feel like I am complaining all the time to my wife.  I feel bad for this.

So I go on. Trying to make the best of a bad situation.  I find something positive in most days, and have moments of feeling good most days.  I just wish they would last.

Let’s live for today

I know it’s simplistic, but this really resonated with me when I heard it. Yesterday is gone.  We can’t do anything about that, so we must let it go.

Tomorrow is uncertain.  Yes, we can plan, prepare, worry, etc., but we really don’t know what will happen until it comes.  We do not have absolute control.  What we can control, is how we feel right now.

We can choose to be happy right now.  If you are going through a difficult time try to find some thread of happiness. If we choose to be happy right now, and live in the now, we will have a lot more peace, and be happy.